I slept terribly last night. (As Steven Wright would say, “I made a few mistakes.”)

Anyway … I thought I might sleep better tonight if I took a hot bath. So I grabbed the stack of magazines that had piled up while I was out of town. Then I drew a tubful of 218-degree water. Ahhhh!

I had nothing better to do, so for the first time in my adult life I actually read the covers of each of the magazines. And after carefully considering each of the headlines, I could think of only one word: SERIOUSLY??!

Here’s a sampling:

GET A FLAT BELLY NOW!

Drop 2 Inches in 4 Weeks”

OK … maybe I’m taking the space-time continuum thing a little too seriously, but “now” is not the same as “four weeks.” Not even if you account for relativity or elementary particles. Puhleese.

From the same magazine, we also have:

Just a Bruise … or Cancer?”

The article itself was actually pretty solid. Shame that the cover went for the scare tactic. Now thousands of clumsy women across the U.S. are suddenly convinced they’re dying. Thanks a lot!

Next up was a different monthly, from a different publisher.

Tighten Your Tummy and Firm Your Tush—in 2 Weeks!”

Wait … that’s two weeks faster than the other magazine, which called four weeks “now.” Does this mean that tighter parts are retroactive? Wow. Cool!

I also loved their exuberantly promissory …

AGE-PROOF YOUR SKIN”

… which was paired with a most intriguing subhead:

Fight Gravity (and Win)”

Yes, that’s right. You can fly. The law of gravity has been repealed. Congratulations, you win!

And as if that’s not enough, I was also promised …

MORE MONEY, LESS STRESS,

Gorgeous Skin,

Wake Up Happier Every Day,

… and my favorite,

Your Subscription is Expiring!

Thank God.

For a moment, I was actually starting to believe that I could burn 1,000 calories, make more money, defeat my wrinkles, build the perfect wardrobe, and have rock-hard abs—in only 60 seconds.