I slept terribly last night. (As Steven Wright would say, “I made a few mistakes.”)
Anyway … I thought I might sleep better tonight if I took a hot bath. So I grabbed the stack of magazines that had piled up while I was out of town. Then I drew a tubful of 218-degree water. Ahhhh!
I had nothing better to do, so for the first time in my adult life I actually read the covers of each of the magazines. And after carefully considering each of the headlines, I could think of only one word: SERIOUSLY??!
Here’s a sampling:
GET A FLAT BELLY NOW!
Drop 2 Inches in 4 Weeks”
OK … maybe I’m taking the space-time continuum thing a little too seriously, but “now” is not the same as “four weeks.” Not even if you account for relativity or elementary particles. Puhleese.
From the same magazine, we also have:
Just a Bruise … or Cancer?”
The article itself was actually pretty solid. Shame that the cover went for the scare tactic. Now thousands of clumsy women across the U.S. are suddenly convinced they’re dying. Thanks a lot!
Next up was a different monthly, from a different publisher.
Tighten Your Tummy and Firm Your Tush—in 2 Weeks!”
Wait … that’s two weeks faster than the other magazine, which called four weeks “now.” Does this mean that tighter parts are retroactive? Wow. Cool!
I also loved their exuberantly promissory …
AGE-PROOF YOUR SKIN”
… which was paired with a most intriguing subhead:
Fight Gravity (and Win)”
Yes, that’s right. You can fly. The law of gravity has been repealed. Congratulations, you win!
And as if that’s not enough, I was also promised …
MORE MONEY, LESS STRESS,
Wake Up Happier Every Day,
… and my favorite,
Your Subscription is Expiring!
For a moment, I was actually starting to believe that I could burn 1,000 calories, make more money, defeat my wrinkles, build the perfect wardrobe, and have rock-hard abs—in only 60 seconds.