It’s been a long day and I have nothing left, so I hope my three readers will forgive a bit of news aggregation instead of my usual rambling examination of life.
There’s a ton going on in the news, of course: New Zealand is dealing with the aftermath of a devastating earthquake and a Dutch family has been rescued from Somali pirates.
But for reasons I can’t explain, it was a blog post about Charlie Sheen that most captured my attention. In his CBS Houston blog, John P. Lopez reframes some of Charlie Sheen’s recent quotes in the context of a job interview:
Let’s say you were an employer, looking to add to your sales staff. … Here are some typical job interview questions and REAL Charlie Sheen answers.
Admit it, you’d hire the guy if you didn’t know any better:What is your greatest strength?
“I’m bi-winning. I win here. I win there.”
Describe a typical work week.
”I’m proud of what I created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they’re never going to see in their boring normal lives.”
How many hours do you normally work?
“Sometimes sleep is for infants. I don’t sleep. I wait. When I can’t sleep I don’t fight it. I just figure that there’s a higher calling.”
What is your greatest weakness?
“I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen!’ It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
How would you describe yourself?
“I’m a high priest vatican assassin warlock. I don’t know. All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master.”
How would you describe the pace at which you work?
When you’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude.”
What motivates you?
“I’ve been the aw-shucks guy with this bitchin’ rockstar life, so now I’m going to completely embrace it. I’m going to wrap both arms around it and love it violently, and defend it violently, through violent hatred.”
What are your salary expectations?
“I’m not [broke] but I was kind of counting on some of that money to get me through the summer. Now I’ve got to like work. But that’s alright. Work’s good. Work fuels the soul.”
Tell me about yourself.
I am a peaceful man with bad intentions
What do people most often criticize about you?
“You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.
Well, no, Mr. Lopez, I don’t think I’d hire Charlie Sheen. My office already has too many high priest vatican assassin warlocks with tiger blood and Adonis DNA.
Think you can distinguish between a raving lunatic dictator and a booze-and-prostitute-addled b-list actor? Take the quiz and find out.