I couldn’t help but notice the red welts on my friend’s arms today.
After a bit of probing, I learned that she’s cat-sitting—and that apparently the furry little ingrate (the cat, not my friend) thinks shredding people into confetti is a sign of affection.
I think it’s generally a good practice to assume that your cat is homicidal. But in case you want to give your kitty the benefit of the doubt, here’s the first of the warning signs:
Yes, it’s true: To your beloved kitty, your pancreas is just another gelatinous little scratching post.
Still not convinced?
That’s right: Dead birds are a warning. Take heed. Save yourself!
“What can I do?” you might ask. “I love my cat!”
Well … while it’s impossible to completely eliminate the threat of death by feline, there are some steps you can take to at least reduce your risk. Start by learning how to properly pet a cat, for instance. Wear proper attire. And if all else fails, pretend you’re a mouse and play dead.
Cats love that sort of thing.