I couldn’t help but notice the red welts on my friend’s arms today.
After a bit of probing, I learned that she’s cat-sitting—and that apparently the furry little ingrate (the cat, not my friend) thinks shredding people into confetti is a sign of affection.
Her plight reminded me of a hilarious send-up I recently saw at theoatmeal.com: “How to Tell if Your Cat is Trying to Kill You.”
I think it’s generally a good practice to assume that your cat is homicidal. But in case you want to give your kitty the benefit of the doubt, here’s the first of the warning signs:
Yes, it’s true: To your beloved kitty, your pancreas is just another gelatinous little scratching post.
Still not convinced?
That’s right: Dead birds are a warning. Take heed. Save yourself!
“What can I do?” you might ask. “I love my cat!”
Well … while it’s impossible to completely eliminate the threat of death by feline, there are some steps you can take to at least reduce your risk. Start by learning how to properly pet a cat, for instance. Wear proper attire. And if all else fails, pretend you’re a mouse and play dead.
Cats love that sort of thing.
HeideBlog 
Ha ha–this is awesome! My co-workers at the feline veterinary practice will get a big kick out of this. I’m going to re-post it on my own page.
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for commenting.
Cats sure do love murder. If we were all a little smaller, cats would no doubt eat us.
I don’t blame them either.
You’re hilarious! (And I agree with you: I wouldn’t blame cats for eating us, either.) Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh.
After being reduced to tears by your sad stories of dogs, I really needed a laugh! See, this is why I have dogs not cats!
Actually I’d love to have a cat as well, but my husband won’t countenance it and all the wee birds who come to the feeder by the kitchen window probably wouldn’t thank me either. But I’m lucky to have two dogs. One, my darling, adoring shadow, is a black cocker spaniel who came to me when I was pregnant and seems to think that she’s my baby. I can’t even bear to think of life without her. The other, a stubborn old west highland terrier, is half cat anyway: he finds warm places to sleep all day, refuses to come for walks, looks at us as if we’re mad if we try to give him orders, and then wakes up at dusk for that mad half hour of thundering about the house ambushing anything that moves and thoroughly killing any soft toys left lying about. If that isn’t cat behaviour, I don’t know what is.
One of the all-time best Onion headlines:
Kitten Thinks of Nothing but Murder All Day
Accompanied, of course, by a photo of the world’s cutest kitten.