Type “how to” into Google enough times, you will eventually—inevitably—end up at eHow.
My query today started innocently enough, with a search for how to change the permissions on a computer file. But before I knew it, I had gone down the eHow rabbithole.
My first stop was How to Become a Death Metal Guitarist. The instructions seemed simple enough:
Find a teacher and take guitar lessons. A death metal guitar coach can guide you through the basic techniques and give you the skills you need to become better, teaching you the proper scales and riffs.
Is it just me, or do “death metal” and “proper scales” seem a bit incongruous? And what the heck is a “death metal guitar coach,” anyway? (For some reason, I keep picturing leather track pants.)
To act like a vampire, you should look focused and serious (like in the movie). Don’t smile or actively engage in conversation, vampires like to blend in, but also keep to themselves so their secret isn’t discovered.
Going by that definition, approximately 50% of my colleagues may be vampires. (Note to self: Have the garlic bread. And go home before it gets dark.)
Worried about *other* things that go “bump” in the night? Perhaps you should learn How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse or How to Find/Join a UFO Discussion Group. If you’re looking for a support group for Sasquatch-sighting survivors I’m afraid you’re out of luck, though.
On a more practical note, you can learn How to Use Up Those Tiny Pieces of Leftover Soap, How to Eat Apples (1. Put on bib. 2. Pick up apple. 3. Bite it.), and How to Get Fired. That last one comes with some helpful advice: “You had better have another job waiting or you may be scrambling for cash.” REALLY?!
In the Animal Husbandry and Domination department, there’s How to Tell if a Chihuahua is Pregnant (Step 1: Determine if your Chihuahua has been around a male dog, or alone outside in the last month or two). You can also learn How to Dominate a Cat and How to Become One While Riding Your Horse.
Find a older very calm gentle horse. … When you feel that you are friends, put a bridal on him and head for the corral.
Yes, that’s right: To properly bond with your horse, take him to a wedding. Preferably one held in a corral.
If you’re curious about medical matters, maybe you’ll be interested in How to Perform a Fake Eye Poke. And don’t worry if you don’t quite master the technique at first: there’s always How to Treat Eye Injuries. You can also learn How to Deliver a Baby:
Do not freak out. Childbirth is designed to be noisy, messy and scary as a deterrent to the less committed. Your role is to be comforting and reassuring no matter how awful you feel.
I loved the description of childbirth as a “deterrent to the less-committed.” But of all the eHow articles I read today, my favorite was How to Write a Bad eHow Article. Step 1 is to “Pick a topic. Think of something you’ve never done and don’t know much about.”
That’s all the encouragement I need! Check back soon for “How to Remove an Appendix Using Only Duct Tape and Common Kitchen Utensils.”